i knew it...
i felt it...
i could tell in her voice when she called...
something was wrong...
Asad you idoit.
you irresponsible fool...
you keep saying you will do it and then you don't.
what will people say if they ask you to do something and you tell them: "hey, no disrespect or nothin', i'm kind of burned out! i'll get to it when i'm able to get to it!" YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!! You must meet expectations! BUT... in a desire to not let people down, you keep saying you'll do it and then, when you don't, you only end up letting them down. whats going on? what's the real problem? IS IT TRUE?? Is it really an issue of not having my priorities straight.... will I become less burned out through prioritizing?
i don't know... i have so much to do, and everything is seen as a priority by the one who has asked me to do it. being unable to prioritize = no priorities. i really don't WANT to do anything. everything is equally NOT a priority. i want to escape. and knowing that i can't, only makes me want it more...
what do i do...
i tell her that maybe its because of too many things going on at the same time. maybe after my schooling is done, or... but she is right! how can she be sure that there is any room for her right NOW? i sure as hell havn't demonstrated it.... can I make room?? she asks if i really want to get married? and why?
well... one reason i'm getting married really is because society has determined that i should get married. but what do i think... should i do what society expects?? (the answer is yes... its not fun being the only one among your friends who is not married... its not fun always being asked 'so when are you getting married'... its not fun... its time to move to the next stage in life... marriage... kids... companionship...) but i'm asked: Are you ready? well... am i? probably not? i wish i wasn't so burned out... an arranged marriage with someone from a different culture, lifestyle, that i met only twice? it will require time and effort. am i ready to take it on? the answer is no, i'm not ready. but when will i ever be? at some point in life we just have to go ahead and do something you are not completely ready for.... something that is important and can probably bring in to your life something that is missing...
i tell myself that marriage between two people who weren't quite comfortable with each other have work out fine. my parents, my grandparents, several friends... have all done well. i really do think that marriage and love are two separate things. she might not have (or get) the type of devotion she expects from someone that is madly in love with her (or even someone who is reliable and deserves to be trusted to be a faithful companion). i've done a lousy job of proving myself. if anything i've done the opposite. she has every reason to feel hesitant. but she should know that she will have someone who knows about the importance of family and responsible relationships. and believes in the evolution of an arranged relationship into a loving marriage. i don't know what else to say... my mind is going blank.
Thursday, October 6, 2005
measurements and a mid term
how can measurements be such a hard thing to get? i needed to have myself measured for my wedding clothes. I also had to recommend a Sherwani style i like. I said i'd do it by friday... of LAST WEEK!! Last Friday, on the due date, I started carying around, in my back pocket, a printout of the measurement form my fiance e-mailed me. my future in-laws needed them ASAP to give to a tailor. I just needed to find someone to take them so that i could send the reply. It didn't happen. I don't know why? I would arrive home with the form still in my back pocket, empty! WHY?? How hard is it to stop at some dry cleaner or... AHAA!! A MACY's behind the wall of the construction site that i've been going to for the past week for building inspections... I'm such a moron.... so, a couple of hours ago, I FINALLY GOT THEM! I finished making the cylinders for the pour going on, and I loaded the concrete cylinders made the previous day. I completed my structural inspections. I signed the log at the trailer. and I hosed off my boots (including the dirt and concrete on the bottom of my pants). and I went to the nice clean MACY's suit section for measurements. I had left the house in the morning and now it was already 2pm. no time to go to the office today. Now... I wanted to get to the unversity a little early so that I could do some last minute review of my notes before the Mid-Term at 3pm. But NO! I must get those measurements.... Its been little things like this that kept me from being able to get the measurements before. Its hard when everything is a priority. It becomes so stressful that nothing stays a priority for more then a brief moment in my mind and everything becomes a drag.... Eventhough its an hour drive from the construction site to campus, I wish i was able to drive in a thunderstorm and study at the same time. I try, I attempt to open my notebook... DAMN!! its not going to work. Its raining too hard... It is said that a successful marriage is about compromise and sacrifice (it is especially true for the wedding itself). my mid-term had to take the hit this time. I don't mind. (I can say this after its over now, luckily it wasn't too hard.)...
I have so much i need to do i guess it would help if i take a moment to jot them down: (in no particular order, other then how they come to mind) 1.get the rolls brakes fixed. 2.get the pool fixed 3.get the house landscaping finished 4.get the office construction done-decide on what i want to do about the construction permit -now mind goes blank... think think 5.get done with choosing the place for the wedding reception in miami -mind goes blank... think think 6.make diagrams needed for my thesis site study 7.finish finding the climate data and wind directions for miami of my site study... mind goes blank... think think... 8.finish cleaning out the closets, dependant upon on the sorting of the garage 9. finish sorting the garage, dependant upon fixing the rolls (OK i guess not, i can just pull it out of the garage until the next hurricane warning) 10.finish fixing the boat 11.decide what to do with the boat, should i sell it? the rent is too much for it to just sit there all the time not being used... think think what else do i have to do... oh yeah, 12.return Jihad's file on AMILA(i've had it since before he left Austin) 13.finish the hadith table i'm making for my sunday school students 14.finish dealing with the partition issue for the the school 15.finish the cost/benefit analysis on school space options 16.start writing the paper due on tuesday for theory class 17.start working on the project due for professional practice class ...think think what else do i have to do... 18........i think about the wedding in pakistan... what do i have to do for that... what do i do to gain some trust with mehreen... 18. buy a phone card to be able to call mehreen more often... 19.tell everyone to stop backbiting and gossiping and second quessing each others intentions............ 20.deal with the loan issue to pay off the property 21.get Ragiv to give me an update on the finances of the company 22.finish with dealing with Basit and the company marketing brochure 23.... i guess thats all that comes to mind right now, but i have a feeling there is more... i'll continue this list later... actually i'll post an update to this list with everything prioritized and check off which ones are complete and which ones still need to start...
I have so much i need to do i guess it would help if i take a moment to jot them down: (in no particular order, other then how they come to mind) 1.get the rolls brakes fixed. 2.get the pool fixed 3.get the house landscaping finished 4.get the office construction done-decide on what i want to do about the construction permit -now mind goes blank... think think 5.get done with choosing the place for the wedding reception in miami -mind goes blank... think think 6.make diagrams needed for my thesis site study 7.finish finding the climate data and wind directions for miami of my site study... mind goes blank... think think... 8.finish cleaning out the closets, dependant upon on the sorting of the garage 9. finish sorting the garage, dependant upon fixing the rolls (OK i guess not, i can just pull it out of the garage until the next hurricane warning) 10.finish fixing the boat 11.decide what to do with the boat, should i sell it? the rent is too much for it to just sit there all the time not being used... think think what else do i have to do... oh yeah, 12.return Jihad's file on AMILA(i've had it since before he left Austin) 13.finish the hadith table i'm making for my sunday school students 14.finish dealing with the partition issue for the the school 15.finish the cost/benefit analysis on school space options 16.start writing the paper due on tuesday for theory class 17.start working on the project due for professional practice class ...think think what else do i have to do... 18........i think about the wedding in pakistan... what do i have to do for that... what do i do to gain some trust with mehreen... 18. buy a phone card to be able to call mehreen more often... 19.tell everyone to stop backbiting and gossiping and second quessing each others intentions............ 20.deal with the loan issue to pay off the property 21.get Ragiv to give me an update on the finances of the company 22.finish with dealing with Basit and the company marketing brochure 23.... i guess thats all that comes to mind right now, but i have a feeling there is more... i'll continue this list later... actually i'll post an update to this list with everything prioritized and check off which ones are complete and which ones still need to start...
...God Bless America
sunday night, after a hard day of pumping out dirty water and cleaning out the left overs of my neighbor's large beautiful tree that hurricane Katrina toppled into my pool, my mother informed me that Nani-ammi's oath ceremony is at 8am tomorrow morning....
i go to sleep thinking "oh great!!! its raining like crazy outside".
Citizenship is a wonderful thing...
i served as my grandmother's translator as she went through the face to face citizenship interview and oral exam. she passed! and now, monday morning, the big day had come. the oath taking ceremony, the final step in a process that began when she first arrived here in the mid 1980s...
i woke up at 6 am. i had to go pick her up and then drive to the miami beach convention center during rush hour. but before that... the pump i rented to drain the pool is due at 8:30, the place opens at 7. i better leave the house by 6:30 to pick up my Nani... from her house it will take one hour to get to the beach. but before i leave, can i go one more round of pumping?... Yeah! the rain from the night before must be drained for me to continue cleaning my pool......
...6:45 i'm running to pack up the pump into my mother's car so that she can return it for me. Damn! I'm LATE!!!! Early morning traffic has built up on Hialeah's streets and there is no way i'm going to make it.
...7:30 we are on the road, Nani-ammi is amazingly calm for someone who is about to miss the ceremony, and I'm driving as fast as i can when you have a grandmother in the passenger seat next to you. she tells me about how she has no metel boxes in her purse this time (to carry her pan) she has eaten it before we left
...8:00 we finally make it to the Highway to Downtown. and by this time we start talking about what we will need to do to get into the ceremony at Noon. The noon ceremony is when my Aunt and my cousin are scheduled to take their oath. What can we do? Will they reschedule? What will they say? How hard will it be? I hope I haven't caused a major delay in her process... everything was going so well.
...9:00 we finally find a parking spot as close as you can get to the convention center entrance. Thanks to my father's diabetes I have inhereted his Disabled Parking Permit. I was probably meant to have it just for this occasion. we approach the security guard at the closed doors to Hall C, the one her invitation letter tells her to report to...
"better run if you plan on get through those doors before they close!... Enter through Hall D" he says.
WHAT???
ONE HOUR LATE!
and I still made it!!
We are among the last to enter the hall...
I see them closing the doors behind us...
We are rushed towards the next Hall and told that they are about to start. Its so exciting! I'm so emotional at this point, so happy that I have to hold back an unusual desire to cry as I walk hand in hand with my Nani as fast as she can towards her assigned section...
Thank God its the first section!
The ceremony begins a couple of minutes after we take our seat...
imagine "we would have been sitting hear for an hour" she says to me....
we better tell my sister to get here early for the noon ceremony...
some thoughts that came to mind that can be developed in later posts:
-the MC says that he will call out the countries of origin that are present and asks folks to rise when their's is named. cheers and claps are heard when a country is called. its strange how people retain a pride of their former place of citizenship, yet also don't feel it is important enough to live there anymore. is this unique to the american experience?...
-in the oath the new citizens vow to defend and fight for the nation by joining its military if the law makes them, being a born citizen myself, i never had to take such an explicit vow, maybe if i did, i would see loyalty, patriotism, and war differently...
-i'm amazed in the way you can replace the words "america" and "democracy" with "islam" and nothing would change in the way you talk about the two, does this mean that they inevitably become competeing forces when they become imperial. i guess not, because they are not equal at the moment, the rise of america has come long after the decline of islam. the difference is that while islam is spoken of in imperial ways it is only talk based on what used to be, while america is happening now...
-i'm amazed as to how much reference there is of God during the ceremony they play the song "God Bless the USA," the new citizens are led by one of their own as they say the pledge of alegience "...one nation under God" it just makes me think about the point i made earlier in the similarity and apparent conflict with islam...
-as my grandmother rises when the MC calls out Pakistan, i rise with her, so while i never really was "from pakistan", i kind of acknowledged it now in some way, i was conscious of this idea as i was standing there...
-many americans take some sort of formal oath that makes them conscious of their duties as a citizen, i think there should be some sort of formal oath to make those of us born here that aren't in the military, or naturalized immigrants, aware of our rights and responsibilities. maybe it should take place on a state by state basis. when a born citizen of a state becomes 18 they should be forced by law to register to vote and serve for a 2 year term as a member of the national guard of the state, maybe only 2 months minimum of which should be "active service" for your fellow citizens, and the first time they go to vote or do their service, at the polling place or at the guard training center they would take the oath. i think our country as a whole would benefit from something like this in each state. those of us that are born here would be just as conscious of our citizenship as those who choose to become americans are.
i go to sleep thinking "oh great!!! its raining like crazy outside".
Citizenship is a wonderful thing...
i served as my grandmother's translator as she went through the face to face citizenship interview and oral exam. she passed! and now, monday morning, the big day had come. the oath taking ceremony, the final step in a process that began when she first arrived here in the mid 1980s...
i woke up at 6 am. i had to go pick her up and then drive to the miami beach convention center during rush hour. but before that... the pump i rented to drain the pool is due at 8:30, the place opens at 7. i better leave the house by 6:30 to pick up my Nani... from her house it will take one hour to get to the beach. but before i leave, can i go one more round of pumping?... Yeah! the rain from the night before must be drained for me to continue cleaning my pool......
...6:45 i'm running to pack up the pump into my mother's car so that she can return it for me. Damn! I'm LATE!!!! Early morning traffic has built up on Hialeah's streets and there is no way i'm going to make it.
...7:30 we are on the road, Nani-ammi is amazingly calm for someone who is about to miss the ceremony, and I'm driving as fast as i can when you have a grandmother in the passenger seat next to you. she tells me about how she has no metel boxes in her purse this time (to carry her pan) she has eaten it before we left
...8:00 we finally make it to the Highway to Downtown. and by this time we start talking about what we will need to do to get into the ceremony at Noon. The noon ceremony is when my Aunt and my cousin are scheduled to take their oath. What can we do? Will they reschedule? What will they say? How hard will it be? I hope I haven't caused a major delay in her process... everything was going so well.
...9:00 we finally find a parking spot as close as you can get to the convention center entrance. Thanks to my father's diabetes I have inhereted his Disabled Parking Permit. I was probably meant to have it just for this occasion. we approach the security guard at the closed doors to Hall C, the one her invitation letter tells her to report to...
"better run if you plan on get through those doors before they close!... Enter through Hall D" he says.
WHAT???
ONE HOUR LATE!
and I still made it!!
We are among the last to enter the hall...
I see them closing the doors behind us...
We are rushed towards the next Hall and told that they are about to start. Its so exciting! I'm so emotional at this point, so happy that I have to hold back an unusual desire to cry as I walk hand in hand with my Nani as fast as she can towards her assigned section...
Thank God its the first section!
The ceremony begins a couple of minutes after we take our seat...
imagine "we would have been sitting hear for an hour" she says to me....
we better tell my sister to get here early for the noon ceremony...
some thoughts that came to mind that can be developed in later posts:
-the MC says that he will call out the countries of origin that are present and asks folks to rise when their's is named. cheers and claps are heard when a country is called. its strange how people retain a pride of their former place of citizenship, yet also don't feel it is important enough to live there anymore. is this unique to the american experience?...
-in the oath the new citizens vow to defend and fight for the nation by joining its military if the law makes them, being a born citizen myself, i never had to take such an explicit vow, maybe if i did, i would see loyalty, patriotism, and war differently...
-i'm amazed in the way you can replace the words "america" and "democracy" with "islam" and nothing would change in the way you talk about the two, does this mean that they inevitably become competeing forces when they become imperial. i guess not, because they are not equal at the moment, the rise of america has come long after the decline of islam. the difference is that while islam is spoken of in imperial ways it is only talk based on what used to be, while america is happening now...
-i'm amazed as to how much reference there is of God during the ceremony they play the song "God Bless the USA," the new citizens are led by one of their own as they say the pledge of alegience "...one nation under God" it just makes me think about the point i made earlier in the similarity and apparent conflict with islam...
-as my grandmother rises when the MC calls out Pakistan, i rise with her, so while i never really was "from pakistan", i kind of acknowledged it now in some way, i was conscious of this idea as i was standing there...
-many americans take some sort of formal oath that makes them conscious of their duties as a citizen, i think there should be some sort of formal oath to make those of us born here that aren't in the military, or naturalized immigrants, aware of our rights and responsibilities. maybe it should take place on a state by state basis. when a born citizen of a state becomes 18 they should be forced by law to register to vote and serve for a 2 year term as a member of the national guard of the state, maybe only 2 months minimum of which should be "active service" for your fellow citizens, and the first time they go to vote or do their service, at the polling place or at the guard training center they would take the oath. i think our country as a whole would benefit from something like this in each state. those of us that are born here would be just as conscious of our citizenship as those who choose to become americans are.
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