"do you really want to?"...she asks

i knew it...
i felt it...
i could tell in her voice when she called...
something was wrong...

Asad you idoit.
you irresponsible fool...
you keep saying you will do it and then you don't.
what will people say if they ask you to do something and you tell them: "hey, no disrespect or nothin', i'm kind of burned out! i'll get to it when i'm able to get to it!" YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!! You must meet expectations! BUT... in a desire to not let people down, you keep saying you'll do it and then, when you don't, you only end up letting them down. whats going on? what's the real problem? IS IT TRUE?? Is it really an issue of not having my priorities straight.... will I become less burned out through prioritizing?

i don't know... i have so much to do, and everything is seen as a priority by the one who has asked me to do it. being unable to prioritize = no priorities. i really don't WANT to do anything. everything is equally NOT a priority. i want to escape. and knowing that i can't, only makes me want it more...

what do i do...
i tell her that maybe its because of too many things going on at the same time. maybe after my schooling is done, or... but she is right! how can she be sure that there is any room for her right NOW? i sure as hell havn't demonstrated it.... can I make room?? she asks if i really want to get married? and why?

well... one reason i'm getting married really is because society has determined that i should get married. but what do i think... should i do what society expects?? (the answer is yes... its not fun being the only one among your friends who is not married... its not fun always being asked 'so when are you getting married'... its not fun... its time to move to the next stage in life... marriage... kids... companionship...) but i'm asked: Are you ready? well... am i? probably not? i wish i wasn't so burned out... an arranged marriage with someone from a different culture, lifestyle, that i met only twice? it will require time and effort. am i ready to take it on? the answer is no, i'm not ready. but when will i ever be? at some point in life we just have to go ahead and do something you are not completely ready for.... something that is important and can probably bring in to your life something that is missing...

i tell myself that marriage between two people who weren't quite comfortable with each other have work out fine. my parents, my grandparents, several friends... have all done well. i really do think that marriage and love are two separate things. she might not have (or get) the type of devotion she expects from someone that is madly in love with her (or even someone who is reliable and deserves to be trusted to be a faithful companion). i've done a lousy job of proving myself. if anything i've done the opposite. she has every reason to feel hesitant. but she should know that she will have someone who knows about the importance of family and responsible relationships. and believes in the evolution of an arranged relationship into a loving marriage. i don't know what else to say... my mind is going blank.