to submit

so, it seems the stars have determined my personality and character traits
they say I seek balance, I seek harmony, I try to see both sides: ie. indecisive
...that sure sounds like me.

...they say that me and that lioness will fit like missing pieces of a puzzle!
each complimenting the other,
making the picture complete!
...nice.
...got lucky I guess.
…what if they had said otherwise?

now... why do I find it hard to have faith in the stars?
or any other type of determinism…
maybe they are God’s way of giving clues to how everything works.
to be used in conjunction with prophetic sayings and holy revelations.
He seems to have made things easy to figure out.
...if I use the right key!

I must find the Key Master!

ahh... determinism.
my genetic code has determined my natural abilities and weaknesses
my looks, my habits,
...my potential diabetes damn it!
...and I know my upbringing and peers have determined my values

...oh, and lets not forget...
- it is said that God has determined who I will marry and how and when I die
and the ground in which I will be buried will drag my body to it:
"mitti khech ke..."

- Darn!...
it seems that anything I will try to do to affect these,
will only screw the programming up,
or fall in line with that which is meant to be anyways.

...If I let go of my ego
and these foolish delusions of freedom
it seems I can live a stress free life.
- All I have to do is submit...

take the punches to the gut...
take it like a man...
smile, just lie down and wait to die.

- ahhh... to submit...

to become a slave to determinism.

- So...
why can’t I do it...
why can’t I relinquish this useless need to control?
why am I so skeptical...
is that also part of my programming?
determined by the genetic code for my brain?
or thoughts springing from a consciousness planted by the Divine?
or is that a glitch in this system?
a weakness susceptible to exploitation by that cursed shaitan!
Stop that evil whispering!
you damned dirty bastich!!!
...and let me submit!!

a love riot

my heart aches...in my trips to pakistan over the past few years i've noticed a serious need. the need for a love riot...the muhabbat is missing...its among people i call family!!! something has gone...where's the light hearted fun and laughter? i remember it from my childhood...i want a return to that INNOCENCE! something new has taken its place...a tension filled drama fueled by gossip and backbiting he-said/she-said bull****...i despise it!! ...it makes me want to SCREAM!!!maybe its not new...maybe its always been there and i was too young to notice...O Allah! Why the Mmmph did you open my eyes to muhabbat...?? Damn you Hafiz... Why did you teach me about ishq??? I didn't know it in childhood...I want a return to that IGNORANCE!! NO NO NO!! no... I refuse to believe that its always been there! This stuff IS new...as my mothers cousins have grown up, they have started to dislike each other and fight among themselves...as my own cousins have grown up, some have become quite miserable people...i remember them as happy kids..."Oh but there are reasons Asad!" "You don't know..." please... please shut up!! there are always reasons to argue, reasons to hate...but I want to have hope that there are more reasons to love...I want to hope...I want to love...I refuse to share in their misery. I want to start a love riot...I want to grab the next relative i see saying this or that about another relative and kiss them on the lips to make them shut up...pucker up fools...here i come!!!

impulsive actions

i deleted some things i posted on orkut about my engagement. i felt that what i had said had been read and now i didn't want a written record of it. so i just deleted them. i wanted my words to live on only as a legend told by others. for them to spark "the legendary love of asad and mahreen"!!! i didn't think of the negative consequences of the delete, some people were really upset by the delete, they started to think something was wrong ...i didn't realize that people had taken possession of my words. its like i went in and stole something. it even caused confusion for mahreen... our relationship is still quite fresh... i don't want my mis-steps to cause doubts... doubts must give way to understanding... so i explain why i did what i did. i like the excitement of impulsive actions and its aftershocks. it's hard for me to be troublemaker in the real world... too much of a acha bacha... so i cut myself loose for brief moments that i go into the virtual! i want to start a love riot among our relatives. i think i want too much... wait... a love riot???!!?!?? hmmm...

absence is to love...

impromptu poetry whispered to a beloved gets the job done then vanishes into the realm of imagination! sometimes its good that those words are not recorded... they inspire feelings and thoughts in the heart of the beloved. but those thoughts are raw... they need to be cooked... separation provides the fire! i will leave it to your imagination to remember what i said...

but this reminds me of a quote i read on a soldiers blog. the soldier goes by the name 'thunder 6' and his blog is called '365 and a wake up'. its a great blog, very powerful. here's the quote: "absense is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguished the small, and inflames the great."

...how true... i want to be the type who can inspire a love so great that absence cannot extinquish it. right now i have a problem of communication. i don't know if my words are powerful enough to sustain a love through physical absence. and it becomes a bigger problem when the words themselves become absent.