marriage is

any relationship i have with another person is intertwined with my understanding of religion... A friend of mine is a student of an american sufi scholar. A few years ago, at his wedding, his teacher gave an interesting khutba. He said that marriage should be seen as a means to an end, this is the only way to make it successful... What end? I didn't quite like the idea of that. Some friends of mine used to think that they should find someone that is better than them so that they would be improved through the marriage. I didn't like that idea. So when the scholar said that the spouse should be a means to an end, I remembered my friends. But, for the scholar, unlike my friends, the end was the end of all ends. The ultimate goal was to be in the company of the Divine Beloved. At the time I thought he was talking about heaven. Many muslims cherish the idea of being able to see God in heaven, and thats their reason to get to heaven. its their ultimate goal. But now... I think that statement: "in the company of the divine" can actually mean a whole lot more. if the meaning can go beyond heaven and hell and include our earthly life... The scholar said that misunderstandings and differences about worldly things always arise between people. But there is away that differences can be kept from becoming problems. Both partners must decide that a marriage is for a higher purpose. Both must agree on that purpose. Both must be willing to let go of self in order to not destroy the chance to achieve the highest goal. No goal is higher than to be a companion of a beloved, especially if the beloved is Divine. because those that love God, are said to recieve is love in return... become a beloved of the Divine. Divine Love is the ultimate love. That is heavy duty stuff indeed. Hey, I believe it exists. I want to have complete faith in this.... Now, how do you become a lover of the divine?... On one of the TV channels here they show West Wing all then time (a show about the US presidency), its one of the only things I watch on TV regularly these days, anyways, in one episode they said a line that is stuck in my head now: “Act as ye have faith, and faith will come” it might sound like hypocricy. But I think its a good kind of hypocracy. Why? There are things that faithful people do. I may not feel that I have complete faith yet, but I should force myself to do those things. Because... The idea is that my actions have an effect on other people. So, I may not care for that filthy poor drunk down the street. But what if I was him, I should WANT to care about him. SO, I should force myself to go buy a burger and give it to him. The more I do it, the more I begin to do it instinctively. So, I guess the same can apply to love in marriage: If I want to have a loving relationship with someone, I should force myself to do loving acts. In the end, Love is like Grace from God, it comes from outside of the self, it is not under my control. If it comes it comes, if it does not, then at least there are loving acts being performed and the world has a bit more beauty in it.... Now how does this relate to my understanding of the religion of islam? There is a saying of Prophet Muhammad that this religion has three aspects to it: islam, iman, and ihsan. Islam is submitting, commiting yourself to following "the way", the shariah. Iman is beileving, having faith in the unseen. Ihsan means beauty, Ihsan results from practicing Akhlaq. Akhlaq = selfless acts, manners, good relations. Akhlaq as the means to Love requires a belief in Love. Akhlaq is the way selflessness develops. The theory is based on actions. Selfless acts chip away at the ego. Less Ego = More Faith (in Love). This is the principle that drives me. It drives my actions and my social activism. It will also drive my marriage.... At the time that i heard that sufi scholar at my friends wedding, I didn’t understand islam this way. Maybe this is what the sufi scholar was telling us. After being a captive of Rumi and Hafiz for the past few years. After teaching Akhlaq to teenagers, I have a deeper understanding of what he might have been saying: 1-Make myself able to love through selfless acts... 2-Make another person the object of my selfless loving acts, eventually becoming a lover of that person... 3-Know that people have a divine spirit; Know that the soul is a mirror that reflects the divine; Know that God manifests His divine attributes through people; Know that by loving the person I am loving the divine as well... 4-Once I love him, Allah accepts me as a divine beloved..... i become a recipient of divine Grace, Peace, Mercy, and thus a manifestation of these attributes. Thus the other person is a means to the highest goal. And if one is mystical enough, and aware enough, one would realize that Loving the partner as a manifestation of the divine, would make that PERSON the highest goal. So when I say "I love you" I am simultaniously, and with full force, saying "I love you Allah" and vice versa. Majnun's Layla. Rumi's Shams.... All of the above is possible without going through the formalities of "marriage"... It can be said that the only way to really know and love Allah is to love another person. No type of love is higher than the type refered to as Ishq. Ishq is the intense feeling to attain union with a beloved companion. And I guess Muslims constructed marriage so that order can be maintained in the community, Ishq without some sort of control to protect the individuals and community was probably seen as a danger... So, the only thing I look for is, can the person be someone that I can love in this way. In the end it would be nice if the love was returned, but i guess it wouldn't be necessary. Now... As for the mundane aspects of marriage: A legal means of procreation; designed to safeguard lineage; designed maintain patriarchical order; designed to control human lust. Its simply a contracted relationship between two people. Three issues come to mind that would make it a happy one: attraction, compatibility, selflessness... my thoughts on these later